To be or not to be

 Bangers and mash, kidney pie, boiled vegetables...what do these have in common? Well they are all gross, and all standard foods for my potential destination next school year. I am in the process of applying for a Fulbright teacher exchange position in the U.K.. Crazy exciting, and scary.
  The thing is, I have been dating Shinola guy for almost three months, and while this is currently a record for me, I find myself wondering how this factors into my desire to ditch the U.S.. I am applying no matter what, but if the roles were reversed, how would I feel? "Hey, I like you and all, and I hope this works out...but even if it does... I'm ditching you in a year." Hmm. But, I can't, NOT do this.
  So am I wasting time developing a relationship with someone, if ultimately it is going to be doomed by distance? I know I'm 33, and I am supposed to want to get married, and buy a home with some more kids and a dog, but I don't. I wouldn't mind being married, but to someone who wants to adventure around the world with me; like and Amazing Race partner. I'm told, that when I meet the "right guy" I will want to settle down, but that would mean I would be willing to give up my dreams for someone else. I don't want to "settle down", regardless of whether I am single or not. Why is that such a crazy concept?
  Shinola could be a guy that would explore the world with me, but it is still new. Not developing a relationship for fear that something may cause it's demise, is a bit pessimistic. Shit happens, some relationships work, some don't. Once school starts again I won't have time to dwell on these moral dilemmas. I will be able to move forward in feigned ignorance, until I really have to get on the plane. Maybe I will be alone, or maybe not, but either way, I won't be settling.
 

Zen and sheer bike shorts

 It was one of those days where it was necessary to step back, and evaluate my mind, my life, the relationships in my life. I head out to the lake, deep in thought, and trying to sift through the heavy feelings.  Am I doing everything right? Do I see everything as it is or as I want it to be? Am I being my best self? My brow is furrowed in concentration, looking for a sign of some sort. I glance up, feeling the breeze of a bike speed past. 1) Weird guy on the bike 2) The guy is wearing see through bike shorts( sheer, black, disgusting) 3) His bikini underwear was red 4) He was standing up so the view would not be obstructed.
  Thank you red bikini guy. I can go on with my life now, being present in the moment, and with the image of your undergarments burned into my retinas.

Turning the Corner

  I feel like I have finally started to turn the corner in my life. Adjusting to this new world, as much as I can, has been a journey. In a sense I have been rediscovering what it means to be me without anyone else. I have made some mistakes along the way, and gone through some of the darkest moments I have ever experienced. But any journey worth taking requires struggle. It is through this struggle that I can truly evolve. I have often been accused of going into a cave when I am feeling down, but what people don't realize, is that all of that love and support they have offered, stays with me in the cave. It is because of that support that I can retreat safely, and digest my fears and pain, knowing all the while that there is a tremendous amount of love waiting for me when I am ready to return.
  This last year I kept wondering when I would feel normal again. But I have found that normal is not the same anymore. Instead I have to accept this new place I have come to, and understand that this is the way things were supposed to be, not because I have failed, but because it is simply what is.
  All we have is this day, and to live in regret, or in constant doubt, leaves you paralyzed. Things don't always work out the way we anticipate, or how we imagined, but so what? You get up each day, and live for the moments that make everything worth it. Whether it is a call from your son on Mother's Day, a memory of your dad that creeps up on you and makes you smile, a student beaming up at you when they understand something for the first time,  a call from your mom where you two laugh, making a new friend who you bond with instantly, or any of the other million moments we have and so quickly forget. Thank you to all of those in my life, who have made my day a million times over.

April slump

 So I was reflecting on this last 11 months of my dating life. Truth be told I have kept a record of the guys that I have dated since May 2009. It helps to compare and contrast the gents so I can know what to look for and what to avoid.(Names have been changed to protect the "innocent")
May 2009-Rick Jobs..met at the Rack, went out with twice, was from Indiana...should have known that was not going to work.
July 2009-Sep. 2009- Tad Meemer This was the first guy I met on Match. From Michigan. Cool job, very smart, very sarcastic. I actually really liked this guy, but the timing was not right and it ended with me sending a top ten list. Not my best moment, but this guy was trying to fade out anyhow. I did however get my software back after months of asking. Still kind of bummed that I met this guy when I did, he was very intriguing.
October 2009-Dustin Chan 2nd guy on Match. He was getting his Phd in cancer cell research. Nice guy, smart, but just no chemistry. We went out 3 or 4 times, and then I just stopped returning calls.
Matt Renger-Met this guy at a Halloween party, where he was dressed in a mullet. From Michigan. Super hot, but he thought Beowulf was a werewolf. We went out once.
November-December 2009 Sam Denim -Met on Chemistry-from MO, very liberal, vegan, obsessed with baseball. Interesting guy, but our worlds were different. He had that slightly crazy thing going for him, fun while it lasted. Dumped me via text.... karma for that whole top 10 list thing.
January 2010-Tom Johnson -met at the Rack. Nice, cute, half Morman, not tons of chemistry.
Dan Abalone-nice guy, too intense too soon...bit of a stalker.
February 2010-March 2010-met tshirt guy at the Rack. Instant chemistry, sexy as hell, found out I was a mom....attention faded. He was the first guy since "Tad" that I really felt a strong connection with. But if I found that twice in less than a year, it mustn't be too uncommon....right?? We still play chess with friends...whoohoo.
April 2010- I am currently in a slump of epic proportions. Mostly ok with it, but I look forward to the end of said slump with something better.  In the mean time I am going to A's games, hanging with friends, going to the gym, painting my place, reading, blogging and in sitting on the couch watching tv. Yes I do relax sometimes, it just isn't the best to blog about!

Man Jose

 Last night a few friends and I went to San Jose to see "Tainted Love" play at the Voodoo Lounge. The band is an all '80s cover band, who are phenomenal by the way. The line to get in was filled with twenty-somethings who raided Hot Topic in an attempt to capture the '80 's look. I argue that if you are born in the eighties, you really should be banned from these events. Damn whippersnappers.
  The night was filled with dancing nonetheless, and even a scuffle between a stupid scrunchie wearing chick and my friend Corrina and me. Apparently we invaded her space on the dance floor by the stage. Considering the floor had turned into a mosh-pit-esque scenario, her claims of being wronged were a bit ridiculous. I guess her scrunchie was on too tightly therefore making her irritable. Towards the end of the night, the drunken guys were too aggressive and obnoxious to make the night any fun, so we left with the tunes of Bon Jovi dancing in our heads.
 Still working on getting t-shirt guy out of my system. Not really sure where I thought that one was going. It sucks to click with the guys who are probably not the best for anything stable. There has to be something in between the cute intelligent guys who are man children, and the stable guys who I have no chemistry with. As long as I get it figured out before I hit eighty...

I'm a little sister

 This weekend was marked with excessive travel through areas the engulf you with manure aroma. I went to Sacramento because much of my massive clan was gathering there. It is amazing to me how just seeing my family, even if we only sat on the couch, talked and watched college basketball, can recharge me. Being in a room surrounded by people I love and who love me, makes me realize how amazingly lucky I am.
  After spending the day in Sac, I headed down the 5 towards Livermore for the mini high school reunion. Once my friend Brig and I found parking, and got a little lost, we finally found the Blue bar. As we approach, I see my pseudo big brother at the front and the night is on. Most of the people there knew my brother more than me, so I had to repeatedly say..."I'm Alex's little sister"..to which they instantly connect, or feign recognition. Either way, there were several people who I was happy to see and we hit the dance floor with some killer dance moves. This bar was so classy that it had a pole on a platform at the corner of the dance floor. Livermore, I have no words.
   I tried to match up several people while I was there. For some reason, on these nights out I have a drive to play cupid. My success rate is yet to be determined, but I like having a purpose. Of course the guy from Missouri was the one to ask for my number, since I have some sort of midwest guy magnet. Indiana, Michigan, Kansas...now Missouri? Other than that there is no new guy news to report. I oscillate between thinking I want a "real relationship" and thinking I don't want to be tied down.  The problem seems to be too much THINKING!

Rack Attack

 Noele finally succumbed to the draw of the Rack. She had vowed never to go, but while visiting from Virginia, she broke that vow...and brought her camera. Yikes.
   The night started with an Orange tic tac, where we dropped a shot of Absolut Mandarin into a quarter glass of Red Bull and chugged. The rest of the night alternated between dancing, being accosted by Israeli guys on the dance floor, beating up Noele's bf Phil, and posing for pictures while throwing gang signs because I am that badass. Of course I had my partner in crime Carri with me, because it isn't a trip to the Rack without her.
   It was nice to be there just to have fun without the underlying agenda of meeting someone. The pressure was off. In fact, this was the first time the old guy, Vinnie Viagra, actually danced with us. Now I am truly a member of the club.
  So the t-shirt guy is still in the picture. We actually hung out the weekend before, and he was cuter than I remembered. We had great chemistry and I still had the flutters, which is so exciting. But...I have learned that you can't jump the gun on these things. It is getting easier to realize that even if I really like a guy, keeping emotionally distant from the situation helps me keep things in perspective. I couldn't have done that a year ago. We will see...
  I'm not dating anyone else right now. I stopped dating the guy who worked at the Oracle gym. Cowardly, I sent him a letter basically saying it wasn't going to work out. He was a nice guy, but just not for me.
   Part of me is really enjoying being single..the freedom  is unmatched. But there are times, when it would be nice to have someone lying next to me at night. The sense that silently you know there are arms ready to wrap around you, just because you are you. And that in that moment, all is right with the world.