Found

  When I started this blog, I was a dating rookie. For the first time in my life I was able to date and find out a lot about myself and what I wanted and didn't want. In a way, I feel like I have evolved into a new person. But really, I had to go looking outside myself to find out that all I ever really needed was within me all along. It isn't what the world held for me, it's what I can bring to it.
   Having gone through all of this, I was finally ready when I went on my first date with "the guy", Peter. From the start we were effortlessly on the same page. There was no drama, or long periods of silence where I had to wonder what was going on. Never, have I been with someone who cares about me so much, and is unquestioningly there for me. He is a man that I can giggle with about Brawndo, as much as I can have a debate on the ethics of patents on a genetically modified soybean. He inspires me to push myself, whether it be to play soccer or to expand my horizons with food (no small feat).
  Over the holiday, he met Jake, and it could not have gone better. The three of us went snowshoeing together, in four feet of fresh snow at Donner Lake. My toes were numb, teeth chattering, but the sight of the two of them trekking through the powder, warmed me up instantly. Not only did Jake like him, but he looked up to him. We spent the week there with his family, and it felt as if Jake and I always belonged.
 I don't know how to express how much it means to me to have found someone who feels like home to me. Loving him has been the easiest thing I have ever done in my life. The last few years have been hard, but if the path led me to him, then it was all worth it.

Thirty Something

   When I was a girl, I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be a grown up. The show "Thirty Something" was filled with a bunch of old people.  Having just turned 34, it hit me that I may be older than the characters on that show. Holy crap. 

    I just assumed that you hit a point in life, where the realization of what it all means dawns on you, and you can relax, knowing that everything is going to be alright. But I am beginning to think that may be a misconception. People don't figure everything out as they get older, they just accept the fact that they don't need to figure it out. That life will go on, regardless of the level of enlightenment they have achieved. Some days you may be on top of the world, and others you may never want to get out of bed, and that is just part of being human....or that you have bipolar disorder. But they continue to get up each day, slap on a smile, and carry on. 

    When I look around at people in public, I always assume they have their shit together, no debt, successful in their lives, carefree. However, statistics don't back up that theory. Everybody has issues, but nobody wants to advertise that. But if we continue to only see the bright shiny sides of everyone, we will continue to feel isolated when considering our weaknesses. 

       Maybe there can be an anonymous confessional website. Where people can air their dirt, and read about how others lives really are. You may not receive absolution, but you would also not be judged. Then, slowly, people will feel more comfortable with themselves, and as a whole be much healthier. Knowing that they will be accepted for both their good and bad sides. 

    Ultimately, the one judge that matters most, is yourself. Everyone is going to have opinions about how you look, what you say, and what you do. But the second you become ok with yourself, all of those opinions become mere background noise. 

   Perhaps this is the enlightenment that comes with age...self acceptance. 

 

    

The Great Disconnect

  With massive trepidation, I picked up the phone and called U-verse. My stomach in knots, I had so many chances to hang up before the representative got on the line. As I let him know, that I will no longer be needing his services, he offered all of those things I had been longing to hear all year long. A discount...but I knew it wouldn't last. Just the internet...but really I would feel bad if I settled for so little. I stuck to my guns, and followed through with the cancellation of all tv and internet services.  Yikes.
   Will this be a life changing choice? Probably not. After all, I have a dvd player, and I can always head out to Peets for my internet fix. But maybe, just maybe, I will start to reconnect with all of the good things in the world. Like the people in my life, the nature around me, and the books on my to read list.
   Someone from my past reminded me that I think way too much. So this is my attempt to think less, and live more. I did have a pretty great first date last Saturday, so maybe this less thinking thing is going to work.
 

Fresh Starts

   This weekend I went to San Diego to see my friend Amy, and to escape the realities of going back to the grind. It was a last minute decision made possible by her generous donation of a free flight pass on Southwest. So on the plane I went.
  The trip was filled with entertainment. Saturday we went to the Padres game at Petco park, and happened to sit in the middle of sea of red, aka Phillies fans. Initially I had no interest in either team winning, but I had a bet to win, and the Padres were supposed to help...but that didn't happen. Damn. To ease my woes, we went to a free Bananrama concert. Let me tell you, it was worth every penny. At one point we were convinced that the lead singer was either going to fall off the stage, loose his pants, or accost the cringing band-mates whose dignity was hanging on by a thread. On the plus side, the people watching was pretty damn fantastic. Hanging with Amy and her man was the perfect getaway.
   Now I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that school is starting again. I think one of the reasons I love my job, is that there is a fresh start each year. A chance to do all those things I planned on, but never got around to before. Each year, I get a little better, applying my experience and all that I learned, to make me a better teacher.
   Funny, that same thing can be said for relationships. Each one is a new chance to do it right. You learn from the past, what worked, what didn't, and apply that to the new guy. But if you go through enough relationships, is there truly such a thing as a fresh start?

To be or not to be

 Bangers and mash, kidney pie, boiled vegetables...what do these have in common? Well they are all gross, and all standard foods for my potential destination next school year. I am in the process of applying for a Fulbright teacher exchange position in the U.K.. Crazy exciting, and scary.
  The thing is, I have been dating Shinola guy for almost three months, and while this is currently a record for me, I find myself wondering how this factors into my desire to ditch the U.S.. I am applying no matter what, but if the roles were reversed, how would I feel? "Hey, I like you and all, and I hope this works out...but even if it does... I'm ditching you in a year." Hmm. But, I can't, NOT do this.
  So am I wasting time developing a relationship with someone, if ultimately it is going to be doomed by distance? I know I'm 33, and I am supposed to want to get married, and buy a home with some more kids and a dog, but I don't. I wouldn't mind being married, but to someone who wants to adventure around the world with me; like and Amazing Race partner. I'm told, that when I meet the "right guy" I will want to settle down, but that would mean I would be willing to give up my dreams for someone else. I don't want to "settle down", regardless of whether I am single or not. Why is that such a crazy concept?
  Shinola could be a guy that would explore the world with me, but it is still new. Not developing a relationship for fear that something may cause it's demise, is a bit pessimistic. Shit happens, some relationships work, some don't. Once school starts again I won't have time to dwell on these moral dilemmas. I will be able to move forward in feigned ignorance, until I really have to get on the plane. Maybe I will be alone, or maybe not, but either way, I won't be settling.
 

Zen and sheer bike shorts

 It was one of those days where it was necessary to step back, and evaluate my mind, my life, the relationships in my life. I head out to the lake, deep in thought, and trying to sift through the heavy feelings.  Am I doing everything right? Do I see everything as it is or as I want it to be? Am I being my best self? My brow is furrowed in concentration, looking for a sign of some sort. I glance up, feeling the breeze of a bike speed past. 1) Weird guy on the bike 2) The guy is wearing see through bike shorts( sheer, black, disgusting) 3) His bikini underwear was red 4) He was standing up so the view would not be obstructed.
  Thank you red bikini guy. I can go on with my life now, being present in the moment, and with the image of your undergarments burned into my retinas.

Turning the Corner

  I feel like I have finally started to turn the corner in my life. Adjusting to this new world, as much as I can, has been a journey. In a sense I have been rediscovering what it means to be me without anyone else. I have made some mistakes along the way, and gone through some of the darkest moments I have ever experienced. But any journey worth taking requires struggle. It is through this struggle that I can truly evolve. I have often been accused of going into a cave when I am feeling down, but what people don't realize, is that all of that love and support they have offered, stays with me in the cave. It is because of that support that I can retreat safely, and digest my fears and pain, knowing all the while that there is a tremendous amount of love waiting for me when I am ready to return.
  This last year I kept wondering when I would feel normal again. But I have found that normal is not the same anymore. Instead I have to accept this new place I have come to, and understand that this is the way things were supposed to be, not because I have failed, but because it is simply what is.
  All we have is this day, and to live in regret, or in constant doubt, leaves you paralyzed. Things don't always work out the way we anticipate, or how we imagined, but so what? You get up each day, and live for the moments that make everything worth it. Whether it is a call from your son on Mother's Day, a memory of your dad that creeps up on you and makes you smile, a student beaming up at you when they understand something for the first time,  a call from your mom where you two laugh, making a new friend who you bond with instantly, or any of the other million moments we have and so quickly forget. Thank you to all of those in my life, who have made my day a million times over.